I'm low. After a good day - a beautiful day, a bike ride, a workout, a bike ride an amazing lunch with a friend, a stop to drop off an article, a quick chat with a pal and then home.
The problem?... On Saturday we had a special meal with friends and I started to clean up the kitchen afterwards (as you do). I was informed by my husband that he would clean up the kitchen the next day. Guess what, he didn't.
So today is Tuesday, I've been out on days off during the day and he's been home. Yesterday I came home to be informed I was on dinner - woo... No notice but managed to spin out a couple of quiches which were delicious. In the meantime, hubby went to bed at 6.30pm. So I went out for the evening to be cheered up for a much needed break.
My arrival home was met with one son missing his bus because it 'was early', dinner to be done and my hubby going for a prearranged run. #2 son had got a headstart on the dinner, which was fantastic but guess what? The washing up was still there. Groan.
It's not just about the washing up though. It's about the broken promises. It's about the attitude behind the statement. It's about saying you'll do something and then thinking you're more important that the other by not following through with it.
On the weekend my hubby had finally presented me with a Pandora bracelet that I'd asked for since before September last year. It was simple, it was sweet but it was very late. I try and feel grateful but my heart feels let down by the fact it has taken so long to get a long wished for present.
I feel so ungrateful that I am not happier and I'm not sure why. Is it just further disappointment? Do I expect too much? Do I put too high a limit for my husband to be able to achieve something positive?
So, left with questions and no answers for now... I wait for peace to return, that and sleep!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Resentment and conflicting emotions
I've noticed lately that I seem to be harbouring a resentment towards my husband.
I've noticed that if I comment on a friends facebook status he's doing the same. If I talk to someone he wants to know who it is and what we're talking about. He seems to feel left out and therefore intrudes.
He might say that he has to do it to feel included but as a result I feel stalked. I feel like he's over my shoulder watching and critiquing my every move because I behave differently with them than him.
He seems to be constantly angry. Constantly sulking. Constantly telling everyone to shut up. It's draining. It's sometimes contagious. It's heartbreaking.
I prayed and things seemed to come to a head but then nothing happened. More prayer, more friction, more possible breakthrough, more nothing. We keep going around in circles with more empty promises.
Empty promises are devastasting to me. I don't know why they are so important. Maybe because I never grew up with a defender. My Dad never defended me. No-one did.
Ha, my daughter sitting next to me said that my husband can't even get me a Pandora after a tv ad came on. The ad was for sweets that the hubby was shaping into a heart when he tastes them and ends up eating the packet and giving the wife just one. So romantic! Lol
I had a photo shoot done about three years ago and collected the pics this week. I arrived in from home and he wanted to see them while I was still with bags in hand and he was on computer. So I said no, we'd look together. When I sat next to him he finally put his computer down as I was asked to help my son. So I was then busy and my hubby went to look at the pics without me. Again, disappointment. Couldn't he see I was now busy and wait?!
When I said it to him we ended up with him yelling what was wrong and I asked my ten year old to explain. A ten year old could see what a 40 year old couldn't. Help!
I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with someone who just resents me and doesn't even think they might be responsible. It's been years of deterioration. It's been years of sniping and pulling back. It's been years of doing life as a single mum because he would do minimal. There were times when he was there but he seemed to resent it.
Argh. How can I shake this??
I've noticed that if I comment on a friends facebook status he's doing the same. If I talk to someone he wants to know who it is and what we're talking about. He seems to feel left out and therefore intrudes.
He might say that he has to do it to feel included but as a result I feel stalked. I feel like he's over my shoulder watching and critiquing my every move because I behave differently with them than him.
He seems to be constantly angry. Constantly sulking. Constantly telling everyone to shut up. It's draining. It's sometimes contagious. It's heartbreaking.
I prayed and things seemed to come to a head but then nothing happened. More prayer, more friction, more possible breakthrough, more nothing. We keep going around in circles with more empty promises.
Empty promises are devastasting to me. I don't know why they are so important. Maybe because I never grew up with a defender. My Dad never defended me. No-one did.
Ha, my daughter sitting next to me said that my husband can't even get me a Pandora after a tv ad came on. The ad was for sweets that the hubby was shaping into a heart when he tastes them and ends up eating the packet and giving the wife just one. So romantic! Lol
I had a photo shoot done about three years ago and collected the pics this week. I arrived in from home and he wanted to see them while I was still with bags in hand and he was on computer. So I said no, we'd look together. When I sat next to him he finally put his computer down as I was asked to help my son. So I was then busy and my hubby went to look at the pics without me. Again, disappointment. Couldn't he see I was now busy and wait?!
When I said it to him we ended up with him yelling what was wrong and I asked my ten year old to explain. A ten year old could see what a 40 year old couldn't. Help!
I just feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle with someone who just resents me and doesn't even think they might be responsible. It's been years of deterioration. It's been years of sniping and pulling back. It's been years of doing life as a single mum because he would do minimal. There were times when he was there but he seemed to resent it.
Argh. How can I shake this??
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