When I heard the ad for the conference I checked my roster. Good news! I was off!! First major obstacle. Second obstacle, cost (I'm currently saving for an interstate trip) but the evening sessions are free, so it's a compromise.
I go along to the first evening and something begins to stir. Holy Spirit begins to soften the ground.
On Friday morning I had a planned lunch cancelled due to a friend being ill. I drop my son to college and hide the tears that surface as I attempt to call into my "adopted" parent's house. Only to find "Mum" not home so I cover my angst and take the leap and head to the conference location to find out if I can come for part it. I can
I sat through an amazing and unexpected speaker in Michael Chanley. I sat through John and Helen share their stories. I sat down and shared lunch with a friend and bawled as my heartache bubbled to the surface. I was feeling pretty wretched and alone (even in the crowd)
I got through the after lunch sessions and left knowing I'd be back again with my teens for the evening rally with Josh Kelsey. I was great for this rally. Pushed in in worship and the tangible presence of Holy Spirit was there and the word was fresh and impacting.
It was then I decided I'd be stupid to skip the last day and my eldest was also keen.
So off I head, expectant. Another great worship session. You can tell wen people want to be at church as opposed to the ones who feel they 'have' to be at church. The air is already primed to usher Holy Spirit and people 'expect' God to show up
A great bunch of sessions and I know God has continued to work in me. I'm gleaning so much already in really basic things of how to help me, my kids and my husband and marriage.
Then we have a final worship session, acoustic and simple, followed by an anointing with oil. As John declares breakthrough over me and a calling out of the cave of hiding and darkness, anointing in oil, says "dry bones". He moves on and as I soak up more of God I weep (I'm not normally as demonstrative but I wasn't going to stop God releasing something new cos I sure need it!)
So great stuff happened in conference and I head home to a husband who seems to be so angry and everything I am and everything I say
There's a pretty big hurdle that happened to us since last year which caused him to leave church even more disillusioned than ever and bitter and angry. He'd emailed me why he felt this still so I talked to him (and he felt like I was just yelling at him).
I told him he needed to forgive those who offended him and how we've to keep doing it everytime we're offended. I left him to think on that and asked him to come to church tomorrow to hear John and Helen cos he likes them both too
He later said to me he didn't think he'd go cos the church was a bunch of hypocrites and he wouldn't feel comfortable there. That's when I out my foot in my mouth again and said that was his problem and he'd to forgive the church and get over himself and his pride.
Stupid me. Red rag to bull. Will I ever learn?! I don't know if he'll come now and when I swore he had something else to throw in my face as I lost patience with his stubborn attitude.
I make a better job of screwing this up than Satan's meddling ever could. :o(
I am a lousy example of a christian. My life doesn't line up with how a Godly wife should be to her husband and it's so easy to fall back into the natural way of things
But I know I love God. I know I love church. I know I love corporate worship (group worship). I know church politics suck. I know there are so many broken people in church. I know the machine that is church hurts people but I persevere because God won't fail where people will. I strive to have a heart like David. No matter how hard, fast or wrong I go God never changes. He's always half a step from me and I have learned to lean into that and grasp Him. It's hard work sometimes though to continue to decide to do it God's way.
Enough. Selah (pause and think calmly on this). God can work where I fail. I pray it's not too late
P
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