Troubled

How easily it seems the mood shifts...

I'd a lousy night's sleep last night - woke around 0130hrs and was awake for around an hour - during that time I went downstairs and discovered a half eaten "hoppy thing" courtesy of one of the cats. I threw the remains out the door and when I was getting a mug of milk noticed "gunk of intestintal shape" under the kitchen table (oh yay) and decided that I wasn't going to wake up even more than I was by cleaning it up or the fluff that was all over an area of carpet near the half-creature.

Come morning proper and I'm awake around 0630hrs (still earlier than I'd like) and just trying to doze until I have to wake fully and take the kids to their school bus. One of the kids comes in while hubby is in the shower and informs him (as I look asleep maybe) that the aftermath is waiting downstairs.

What follows next is what tips my day over-balance... He rants and shouts and says he isn't going to clean up after the cats, rants some more and I sink into the bed with my heart breaking in reaction.

I know the stuff will have to be cleaned up and I'm home all day in which to do it (unlike the last time when yes, I left the green gunk under the table as I was delirious after a nightshift and went to bed). It wasn't that he asked me to clean up, it wasn't that he even "spoke" to me. He just yelled and demanded and said I was just going to leave it for him, that I never clean up after the pets etc and I haven't even had a chance to deal with it yet but I'm condemned!

When he went to kiss me goodbye apparently I didn't raise my head enough or as I found out later I'd a filthy look on my face (more like a crushed spirit) and he stopped and just left for the day.

So I tidied up the lounge and gunk, all trace of the demised hoppy thing gone and I still felt like a crushed, bruised and maimed woman with no-one to turn to and try and gain any perspective. I just felt hollow inside.

I went out to try and get some things for my upcoming motorcycle trip and on my way home was ravenous when I got a phonecall from the hubby. He asked what I'd been up to and could I do an errand for him later which was fine and he told me he'd been out for lunch with a friend (his 2nd of 3 this week). When I told him I'd been getting trip stuff he then launched into the fact that we didn't have money for that kind of thing and to be careful as we would overdraft the account again and to keep that kind of spending to a minimum.

I'd just been about to find a park so I could get some lunch out (such a pleasure when you're alone), well his comments put paid to that and I continued on home and now I was distraught, gulping great tears down and bawling.

How can two conversations leave me such a mess, completely bereft and feeling so alone and hurting? From his point of view he probably didn't even say anything hurtful. Now, over 12 hours later I find I can't recall exactly what his rant was, just how it made me feel.

My heart was/is crying out for a friend to talk to. I just wanted to sink into the ground. My despair was so intense that I wanted to even allow the suicidal thoughts to come closer until I told them to F-off. I considered trashing the place to dismiss it immediately. I considered calling in sick but what good would that do?

I read today in response to the morning rant a passage in the bible that spoke about harsh words - two verses jumped at my search "harsh word" under the Amplified Bible - Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger, and Proverbs 29:11 A [self confident] fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it.

I am at the stage where I wonder if I'm loosing my marbles, that I'm over sensitive, that I'm elevating myself beyond what I am, that I am condemning my husband unjustly but the facts speak for themselves - he walks into the house and invariably will start yelling at the kids or something - you can never tell what day or what will set him off.

I've said it before, to close and trusted friends, and to him, that he's like an alcoholic without the drink - I just never know what will set him off. I've received notes and imploring that he should move out as he just yells all of the time. Everytime my daughter opens her mouth she gets told to be quiet (it doesn't help that she's loud and often abrupt and rude in how she's now speaking and is of an age where she's answering back to him). All the kids are over him, he dishes out complaint after complaint and won't respond when they try and tell him to just chill a bit. He refuses to accept he's in any way to blame for his behaviour.

It's exhausting. I'm drained and honestly don't know where to go from here. A lot of things are considered - taking a rental (which may not be available in the place I need), going for counselling on my own (to see how much of this is my problem and cause), telling my Dad that we're having problems, talking to my brothers who has gone through divorce (one painful and the other brother who has had a most amicable one) or talking to friends who won't just tell me to walk away but will pray and try and support as much as they can.

The busy-ness of work is a welcome distraction at times but then I have to head home and recently I've travelled home with no joy whatsoever (that's new). I've just withdrawn - from life, from friends, from any pleasure. I can't discuss this with the kids other than to try and find out where I let them down and what I do that is damaging and hurting them (to try and stop and change me). Others just don't seem available and I've never sought help from friends when I'm in my deepest need. So I'm isolated and crying out for something, anything, nothing - my only solace being God.

I want to find a happy place. I want not just a good marriage but a great marriage but in all of this pain (and even when it was good) I don't see how to get that, I don't know the path to get there and I'm running out of resources.

I'm reading a book How to have a new Husband by Friday by Dr Kevin Leaman and part of that has given me some understanding to him and to me and some of it seems to be encouraging separation or divorce. I know when I've stood up to him in the past things get awfully rocky. He doesn't like facing his faults (who does in reality?) and in the past he says he's the only one trying in this marriage. I feel like he just diverts the issues and won't hear me when I do talk so instead I shut down from him and withdraw. Oh, the bitter cycle...

Enough, I'm bleary eyed and sick of computer screens!