Once again this spiral of self doubt, loathing, exhaustion and identity creeps in.
Tonight thoughts drift to how I might look the Aussie part as soon as I open my mouth it's obvious I'm not Aussie.
It was pointed out to me yesterday that although I work in Communications there are people who continue to struggle with my accent. Yet when I hear myself I don't hear that much of an accent and others have also told me my accent is negligible (until I'm then asked where in Canada I'm from!)
All I know that right now I'm getting deliriously tired and I still have around a half hour drive home when I do finish work for the night. This is not entirely a happy prospect.
When I first arrived in this country a helpful local told me I wouldn't be local until I was here 38years - that was comforting - I might not want to stay here that long!
The thing now is, would I fit in in my native land, the home of my family? While I love the ol' sod I don't believe I could ever really live there in peace with myself (although where I currently live is far from a bustling metropolis!)
The things you ponder late at night or early in the morning when a normal person would be going to sleep... Maybe this chick is getting too old for shift work or maybe other daily stresses are just closing in on her.
Enough for tonight - I'd hate to ramble and slur my words!
Friday, October 28, 2011
Monday, October 17, 2011
Another emotional low
Hubby was in Sydney Sunday to Tuesday and then went away 'camping' with a mate Friday to Sunday. I also just started on nightshift so didn't see much of him in between.
Following youth on Friday my eldest decided that he wanted to get baptised again (he was done as an infant in Church of Ireland so he could go to the CoI school and at his request when he was 11/12yrs). I understood his thinking and reasoning for it, hubby on the other hand seemed a bit more judgemental.
He hasn't been coming to church recently due to a falling out with numerous people and believing them to be hypocrites (rightly or wrongly). So having his hand forced to go to his son's baptism was pushing the boundaries somewhat.
He arrived home from camping while I was still sleeping and when I did get to talk to him I was in the kitchen area getting a bite to eat. He mentioned that he realised that he couldn't handle noise - having loved his silent camping retreat. Well with a wife, four kids and numerous animals around the house silence is not something we get (nor do I enjoy).
When he took a long pause our daughter asked something and he freaked out. Then he freaked out because I moved 3m from the kitchen area to sit at the table. He went upstairs and I didn't see him until later.
When I did all he would say was there was nothing that could be done for his noise tolerance and I was to stop now as he didn't want things blowing up prior to us going out to church. So his tension levels were elevated and he didn't want to go to church is basically what he was saying.
He also said he didn't want to hang around afterwards - too many people sticking their nose in or something. The solution to that was for him to drive himself to church and again, there was a drama about doing that as I went out to get something from the other car while waiting for the kids to get ready to go.
On our way out our dumb blonde (dog) ran off down the drive but thankfully we caught him quickly (not typical). Off we went and I wasn't going to let his mood get me down for my boy's special moment along with his friends.
At church he was grumpy that I sat behind the pastor with whom he had an issue, stood for the singing but didn't join in and my daughter gave out to him for being on his phone during the service. At the end of the baptism he asked if he could leave and again I said it was up to him but he ended up staying (even if he was on his phone the whole time).
Straight after the service he left while I remained with the kids for the usual end and missed his text asking about getting dinner having said I'd get something for us when I got home. Ten minutes after his first text came his impatient "??" which I didn't see as I was driving.
When I got home I passed his bbq tools scattered by the wind all over the muddy slope next to the bbq and again there were words about me not responding to the text. He then refused to eat dinner that I was going to prepare (his little childish protest).
More yelling and fuming by him and the kids started on him that he was being unreasonable and he refused to change. None of the kids were raising their voices and my daughter told him to just 'calm down' (yeah, red rag to a bull in my job). He then had a go at my silent son who never gets involved in things before more horrible silence reigned.
So I went upstairs distraught again, posted a cryptic facebook status which my eldest supported me on, sent a mayday to a friend and was about to text another friend asking for prayer when my mayday friend rang. She just listened which helped but I have no answers, just questions and heartache.
Shortly after I went back down to get dinner he went to bed (2030hrs). Confrontation over.
This is no way to have a marriage or parenting...
Following youth on Friday my eldest decided that he wanted to get baptised again (he was done as an infant in Church of Ireland so he could go to the CoI school and at his request when he was 11/12yrs). I understood his thinking and reasoning for it, hubby on the other hand seemed a bit more judgemental.
He hasn't been coming to church recently due to a falling out with numerous people and believing them to be hypocrites (rightly or wrongly). So having his hand forced to go to his son's baptism was pushing the boundaries somewhat.
He arrived home from camping while I was still sleeping and when I did get to talk to him I was in the kitchen area getting a bite to eat. He mentioned that he realised that he couldn't handle noise - having loved his silent camping retreat. Well with a wife, four kids and numerous animals around the house silence is not something we get (nor do I enjoy).
When he took a long pause our daughter asked something and he freaked out. Then he freaked out because I moved 3m from the kitchen area to sit at the table. He went upstairs and I didn't see him until later.
When I did all he would say was there was nothing that could be done for his noise tolerance and I was to stop now as he didn't want things blowing up prior to us going out to church. So his tension levels were elevated and he didn't want to go to church is basically what he was saying.
He also said he didn't want to hang around afterwards - too many people sticking their nose in or something. The solution to that was for him to drive himself to church and again, there was a drama about doing that as I went out to get something from the other car while waiting for the kids to get ready to go.
On our way out our dumb blonde (dog) ran off down the drive but thankfully we caught him quickly (not typical). Off we went and I wasn't going to let his mood get me down for my boy's special moment along with his friends.
At church he was grumpy that I sat behind the pastor with whom he had an issue, stood for the singing but didn't join in and my daughter gave out to him for being on his phone during the service. At the end of the baptism he asked if he could leave and again I said it was up to him but he ended up staying (even if he was on his phone the whole time).
Straight after the service he left while I remained with the kids for the usual end and missed his text asking about getting dinner having said I'd get something for us when I got home. Ten minutes after his first text came his impatient "??" which I didn't see as I was driving.
When I got home I passed his bbq tools scattered by the wind all over the muddy slope next to the bbq and again there were words about me not responding to the text. He then refused to eat dinner that I was going to prepare (his little childish protest).
More yelling and fuming by him and the kids started on him that he was being unreasonable and he refused to change. None of the kids were raising their voices and my daughter told him to just 'calm down' (yeah, red rag to a bull in my job). He then had a go at my silent son who never gets involved in things before more horrible silence reigned.
So I went upstairs distraught again, posted a cryptic facebook status which my eldest supported me on, sent a mayday to a friend and was about to text another friend asking for prayer when my mayday friend rang. She just listened which helped but I have no answers, just questions and heartache.
Shortly after I went back down to get dinner he went to bed (2030hrs). Confrontation over.
This is no way to have a marriage or parenting...
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Leaving on a jetplane
Funny how the song comes to mind with that header. These days what other kind of plane would you be on? Back then there must have been a differentiation between the distances travelled by non-jet. Or maybe the words just fitted...
My husband is leaving on a plane to head to Sydney this morning. Something to do with work and a conference. I've barely seen him in this last week, most contact has been conflict and I think the family is just waiting to exhale after he's gone.
I was thinking this morning as I drove into work about how I would feel if he were to die (slightly morbid maybe) how I might feel and what I might do or say. Honestly I don't know how I or the kids would react. I think I'd mostly be empty and angry. For wasted opportunity, for growing into strangers, for the fact that I don't think I could pretend for a service how good a man he was - because I never got to see it beyond glimpses.
Lately I don't even know him and he's allowed it to happen. With me working shifts I don't see him try and connect when I am home. I've come home and he's on the iPad or computer and will barely look up to say hi. At times through our relationship we would try and connect for 10 minutes when either of us got home but something got in the way and it stopped. If I'm in the kitchen getting dinner he might hover but lately it's just been silence and I hear from my kids he's a dick and yelling.
After all the silence or yelling at me or around me then he tries to snuggle in bed. It's like he believes that if we can have sex it means all is well in the world, when for me I need the non-sex connection. I am treading water to keep myself and my spirits high but I feel like a cartoon character with a little storm cloud over her head and I hate the rain, it makes my glasses wet :o) (unless I have a hat on).
I'm sick of these overwhelming thoughts invading my every day. If I get a reprieve it just returns with more gloom. My spirit is so squashed that I can't seem to sustain an upbeat mood for any length of time and it's draining as ever.
Funny how I only seem to blog here on the negative but maybe this is my brain dump to allow the feelings speak and then put them aside to try and move on to something better.
Funny peculiar, not funny haha - odd turns of phrase we have in English...
My husband is leaving on a plane to head to Sydney this morning. Something to do with work and a conference. I've barely seen him in this last week, most contact has been conflict and I think the family is just waiting to exhale after he's gone.
I was thinking this morning as I drove into work about how I would feel if he were to die (slightly morbid maybe) how I might feel and what I might do or say. Honestly I don't know how I or the kids would react. I think I'd mostly be empty and angry. For wasted opportunity, for growing into strangers, for the fact that I don't think I could pretend for a service how good a man he was - because I never got to see it beyond glimpses.
Lately I don't even know him and he's allowed it to happen. With me working shifts I don't see him try and connect when I am home. I've come home and he's on the iPad or computer and will barely look up to say hi. At times through our relationship we would try and connect for 10 minutes when either of us got home but something got in the way and it stopped. If I'm in the kitchen getting dinner he might hover but lately it's just been silence and I hear from my kids he's a dick and yelling.
After all the silence or yelling at me or around me then he tries to snuggle in bed. It's like he believes that if we can have sex it means all is well in the world, when for me I need the non-sex connection. I am treading water to keep myself and my spirits high but I feel like a cartoon character with a little storm cloud over her head and I hate the rain, it makes my glasses wet :o) (unless I have a hat on).
I'm sick of these overwhelming thoughts invading my every day. If I get a reprieve it just returns with more gloom. My spirit is so squashed that I can't seem to sustain an upbeat mood for any length of time and it's draining as ever.
Funny how I only seem to blog here on the negative but maybe this is my brain dump to allow the feelings speak and then put them aside to try and move on to something better.
Funny peculiar, not funny haha - odd turns of phrase we have in English...
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