Leaving on a jetplane

Funny how the song comes to mind with that header.  These days what other kind of plane would you be on?  Back then there must have been a differentiation between the distances travelled by non-jet.  Or maybe the words just fitted...

My husband is leaving on a plane to head to Sydney this morning.  Something to do with work and a conference.  I've barely seen him in this last week, most contact has been conflict and I think the family is just waiting to exhale after he's gone.

I was thinking this morning as I drove into work about how I would feel if he were to die (slightly morbid maybe) how I might feel and what I might do or say.  Honestly I don't know how I or the kids would react.  I think I'd mostly be empty and angry.  For wasted opportunity, for growing into strangers, for the fact that I don't think I could pretend for a service how good a man he was - because I never got to see it beyond glimpses. 

Lately I don't even know him and he's allowed it to happen.  With me working shifts I don't see him try and connect when I am home.  I've come home and he's on the iPad or computer and will barely look up to say hi.  At times through our relationship we would try and connect for 10 minutes when either of us got home but something got in the way and it stopped.  If I'm in the kitchen getting dinner he might hover but lately it's just been silence and I hear from my kids he's a dick and yelling.

After all the silence or yelling at me or around me then he tries to snuggle in bed.  It's like he believes that if we can have sex it means all is well in the world, when for me I need the non-sex connection.  I am treading water to keep myself and my spirits high but I feel like a cartoon character with a little storm cloud over her head and I hate the rain, it makes my glasses wet :o) (unless I have a hat on).

I'm sick of these overwhelming thoughts invading my every day.  If I get a reprieve it just returns with more gloom.  My spirit is so squashed that I can't seem to sustain an upbeat mood for any length of time and it's draining as ever.

Funny how I only seem to blog here on the negative but maybe this is my brain dump to allow the feelings speak and then put them aside to try and move on to something better.

Funny peculiar, not funny haha - odd turns of phrase we have in English...