Fitting in (or not)

Once again this spiral of self doubt, loathing, exhaustion and identity creeps in.

Tonight thoughts drift to how I might look the Aussie part as soon as I open my mouth it's obvious I'm not Aussie.

It was pointed out to me yesterday that although I work in Communications there are people who continue to struggle with my accent.  Yet when I hear myself I don't hear that much of an accent and others have also told me my accent is negligible (until I'm then asked where in Canada I'm from!)

All I know that right now I'm getting deliriously tired and I still have around a half hour drive home when I do finish work for the night.  This is not entirely a happy prospect.

When I first arrived in this country a helpful local told me I wouldn't be local until I was here 38years - that was comforting - I might not want to stay here that long!

The thing now is, would  I fit in in my native land, the home of my family?  While I love the ol' sod I don't believe I could ever really live there in peace with myself (although where I currently live is far from a bustling metropolis!)

The things you ponder late at night or early in the morning when a normal person would be going to sleep...  Maybe this chick is getting too old for shift work or maybe other daily stresses are just closing in on her.

Enough for tonight - I'd hate to ramble and slur my words!

Another emotional low

Hubby was in Sydney Sunday to Tuesday and then went away 'camping' with a mate Friday to Sunday.  I also just started on nightshift so didn't see much of him in between.

Following youth on Friday my eldest decided that he wanted to get baptised again (he was done as an infant in Church of Ireland so he could go to the CoI school and at his request when he was 11/12yrs).  I understood his thinking and reasoning for it, hubby on the other hand seemed a bit more judgemental.

He hasn't been coming to church recently due to a falling out with numerous people and believing them to be hypocrites (rightly or wrongly).  So having his hand forced to go to his son's baptism was pushing the boundaries somewhat.

He arrived home from camping while I was still sleeping and when I did get to talk to him I was in the kitchen area getting a bite to eat.  He mentioned that he realised that he couldn't handle noise - having loved his silent camping retreat.  Well with a wife, four kids and numerous animals around the house silence is not something we get (nor do I enjoy).

When he took a long pause our daughter asked something and he freaked out.  Then he freaked out because I moved 3m from the kitchen area to sit at the table.  He went upstairs and I didn't see him until later.

When I did all he would say was there was nothing that could be done for his noise tolerance and I was to stop now as he didn't want things blowing up prior to us going out to church.  So his tension levels were elevated and he didn't want to go to church is basically what he was saying.

He also said he didn't want to hang around afterwards - too many people sticking their nose in or something.  The solution to that was for him to drive himself to church and again, there was a drama about doing that as I went out to get something from the other car while waiting for the kids to get ready to go.

On our way out our dumb blonde (dog) ran off down the drive but thankfully we caught him quickly (not typical).  Off we went and I wasn't going to let his mood get me down for my boy's special moment along with his friends.

At church he was grumpy that I sat behind the pastor with whom he had an issue, stood for the singing but didn't join in and my daughter gave out to him for being on his phone during the service.  At the end of the baptism he asked if he could leave and again I said it was up to him but he ended up staying (even if he was on his phone the whole time).

Straight after the service he left while I remained with the kids for the usual end and missed his text asking about getting dinner having said I'd get something for us when I got home.  Ten minutes after his first text came his impatient "??" which I didn't see as I was driving.

When I got home I passed his bbq tools scattered by the wind all over the muddy slope next to the bbq and again there were words about me not responding to the text.  He then refused to eat dinner that I was going to prepare (his little childish protest).

More yelling and fuming by him and the kids started on him that he was being unreasonable and he refused to change.  None of the kids were raising their voices and my daughter told him to just 'calm down' (yeah, red rag to a bull in my job).  He then had a go at my silent son who never gets involved in things before more horrible silence reigned.

So I went upstairs distraught again, posted a cryptic facebook status which my eldest supported me on, sent a mayday to a friend and was about to text another friend asking for prayer when my mayday friend rang.  She just listened which helped but I have no answers, just questions and heartache.

Shortly after I went back down to get dinner he went to bed (2030hrs).  Confrontation over.

This is no way to have a marriage or parenting...

Leaving on a jetplane

Funny how the song comes to mind with that header.  These days what other kind of plane would you be on?  Back then there must have been a differentiation between the distances travelled by non-jet.  Or maybe the words just fitted...

My husband is leaving on a plane to head to Sydney this morning.  Something to do with work and a conference.  I've barely seen him in this last week, most contact has been conflict and I think the family is just waiting to exhale after he's gone.

I was thinking this morning as I drove into work about how I would feel if he were to die (slightly morbid maybe) how I might feel and what I might do or say.  Honestly I don't know how I or the kids would react.  I think I'd mostly be empty and angry.  For wasted opportunity, for growing into strangers, for the fact that I don't think I could pretend for a service how good a man he was - because I never got to see it beyond glimpses. 

Lately I don't even know him and he's allowed it to happen.  With me working shifts I don't see him try and connect when I am home.  I've come home and he's on the iPad or computer and will barely look up to say hi.  At times through our relationship we would try and connect for 10 minutes when either of us got home but something got in the way and it stopped.  If I'm in the kitchen getting dinner he might hover but lately it's just been silence and I hear from my kids he's a dick and yelling.

After all the silence or yelling at me or around me then he tries to snuggle in bed.  It's like he believes that if we can have sex it means all is well in the world, when for me I need the non-sex connection.  I am treading water to keep myself and my spirits high but I feel like a cartoon character with a little storm cloud over her head and I hate the rain, it makes my glasses wet :o) (unless I have a hat on).

I'm sick of these overwhelming thoughts invading my every day.  If I get a reprieve it just returns with more gloom.  My spirit is so squashed that I can't seem to sustain an upbeat mood for any length of time and it's draining as ever.

Funny how I only seem to blog here on the negative but maybe this is my brain dump to allow the feelings speak and then put them aside to try and move on to something better.

Funny peculiar, not funny haha - odd turns of phrase we have in English...

Heartcry

My body feels dragged
Pulled through life and this current existence
I feel a million miles from a smile
Given or received
Mistrust seems to abound
Anger never far from the surface
Exhaustion in body
Struggles in my mind
I want to stop
Stop the busy-ness
Stop the everyday
To catch my breath
To catch a moment where I feel light and loved
The burden is getting harder to bear
No way seems close to escape
My heart cries out and tears fall to be squashed
I tell myself to get it together
I know others are doing life tougher
I'm tired of feeling like I'm treading water
So tired
Where are the answers I seek?
When I run into God's arms why can't I just stay there?
When will the refreshing come?

P
Sent from my iPhone

Troubled

How easily it seems the mood shifts...

I'd a lousy night's sleep last night - woke around 0130hrs and was awake for around an hour - during that time I went downstairs and discovered a half eaten "hoppy thing" courtesy of one of the cats. I threw the remains out the door and when I was getting a mug of milk noticed "gunk of intestintal shape" under the kitchen table (oh yay) and decided that I wasn't going to wake up even more than I was by cleaning it up or the fluff that was all over an area of carpet near the half-creature.

Come morning proper and I'm awake around 0630hrs (still earlier than I'd like) and just trying to doze until I have to wake fully and take the kids to their school bus. One of the kids comes in while hubby is in the shower and informs him (as I look asleep maybe) that the aftermath is waiting downstairs.

What follows next is what tips my day over-balance... He rants and shouts and says he isn't going to clean up after the cats, rants some more and I sink into the bed with my heart breaking in reaction.

I know the stuff will have to be cleaned up and I'm home all day in which to do it (unlike the last time when yes, I left the green gunk under the table as I was delirious after a nightshift and went to bed). It wasn't that he asked me to clean up, it wasn't that he even "spoke" to me. He just yelled and demanded and said I was just going to leave it for him, that I never clean up after the pets etc and I haven't even had a chance to deal with it yet but I'm condemned!

When he went to kiss me goodbye apparently I didn't raise my head enough or as I found out later I'd a filthy look on my face (more like a crushed spirit) and he stopped and just left for the day.

So I tidied up the lounge and gunk, all trace of the demised hoppy thing gone and I still felt like a crushed, bruised and maimed woman with no-one to turn to and try and gain any perspective. I just felt hollow inside.

I went out to try and get some things for my upcoming motorcycle trip and on my way home was ravenous when I got a phonecall from the hubby. He asked what I'd been up to and could I do an errand for him later which was fine and he told me he'd been out for lunch with a friend (his 2nd of 3 this week). When I told him I'd been getting trip stuff he then launched into the fact that we didn't have money for that kind of thing and to be careful as we would overdraft the account again and to keep that kind of spending to a minimum.

I'd just been about to find a park so I could get some lunch out (such a pleasure when you're alone), well his comments put paid to that and I continued on home and now I was distraught, gulping great tears down and bawling.

How can two conversations leave me such a mess, completely bereft and feeling so alone and hurting? From his point of view he probably didn't even say anything hurtful. Now, over 12 hours later I find I can't recall exactly what his rant was, just how it made me feel.

My heart was/is crying out for a friend to talk to. I just wanted to sink into the ground. My despair was so intense that I wanted to even allow the suicidal thoughts to come closer until I told them to F-off. I considered trashing the place to dismiss it immediately. I considered calling in sick but what good would that do?

I read today in response to the morning rant a passage in the bible that spoke about harsh words - two verses jumped at my search "harsh word" under the Amplified Bible - Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but grievous words stir up anger, and Proverbs 29:11 A [self confident] fool utters all his anger, but a wise man holds it back and stills it.

I am at the stage where I wonder if I'm loosing my marbles, that I'm over sensitive, that I'm elevating myself beyond what I am, that I am condemning my husband unjustly but the facts speak for themselves - he walks into the house and invariably will start yelling at the kids or something - you can never tell what day or what will set him off.

I've said it before, to close and trusted friends, and to him, that he's like an alcoholic without the drink - I just never know what will set him off. I've received notes and imploring that he should move out as he just yells all of the time. Everytime my daughter opens her mouth she gets told to be quiet (it doesn't help that she's loud and often abrupt and rude in how she's now speaking and is of an age where she's answering back to him). All the kids are over him, he dishes out complaint after complaint and won't respond when they try and tell him to just chill a bit. He refuses to accept he's in any way to blame for his behaviour.

It's exhausting. I'm drained and honestly don't know where to go from here. A lot of things are considered - taking a rental (which may not be available in the place I need), going for counselling on my own (to see how much of this is my problem and cause), telling my Dad that we're having problems, talking to my brothers who has gone through divorce (one painful and the other brother who has had a most amicable one) or talking to friends who won't just tell me to walk away but will pray and try and support as much as they can.

The busy-ness of work is a welcome distraction at times but then I have to head home and recently I've travelled home with no joy whatsoever (that's new). I've just withdrawn - from life, from friends, from any pleasure. I can't discuss this with the kids other than to try and find out where I let them down and what I do that is damaging and hurting them (to try and stop and change me). Others just don't seem available and I've never sought help from friends when I'm in my deepest need. So I'm isolated and crying out for something, anything, nothing - my only solace being God.

I want to find a happy place. I want not just a good marriage but a great marriage but in all of this pain (and even when it was good) I don't see how to get that, I don't know the path to get there and I'm running out of resources.

I'm reading a book How to have a new Husband by Friday by Dr Kevin Leaman and part of that has given me some understanding to him and to me and some of it seems to be encouraging separation or divorce. I know when I've stood up to him in the past things get awfully rocky. He doesn't like facing his faults (who does in reality?) and in the past he says he's the only one trying in this marriage. I feel like he just diverts the issues and won't hear me when I do talk so instead I shut down from him and withdraw. Oh, the bitter cycle...

Enough, I'm bleary eyed and sick of computer screens!

Putting my foot in it

This weekend saw a man and woman, whom I admire SO much I would sit at their feet to listen to for eternity, visit my city. John and Helen Burns are known around the world for their church, tv programmes but most of a for their passion for relationships (marriage and interpersonal) and seeing them succeed.

When I heard the ad for the conference I checked my roster. Good news! I was off!! First major obstacle. Second obstacle, cost (I'm currently saving for an interstate trip) but the evening sessions are free, so it's a compromise.

I go along to the first evening and something begins to stir. Holy Spirit begins to soften the ground.

On Friday morning I had a planned lunch cancelled due to a friend being ill. I drop my son to college and hide the tears that surface as I attempt to call into my "adopted" parent's house. Only to find "Mum" not home so I cover my angst and take the leap and head to the conference location to find out if I can come for part it. I can

I sat through an amazing and unexpected speaker in Michael Chanley. I sat through John and Helen share their stories. I sat down and shared lunch with a friend and bawled as my heartache bubbled to the surface. I was feeling pretty wretched and alone (even in the crowd)

I got through the after lunch sessions and left knowing I'd be back again with my teens for the evening rally with Josh Kelsey. I was great for this rally. Pushed in in worship and the tangible presence of Holy Spirit was there and the word was fresh and impacting.

It was then I decided I'd be stupid to skip the last day and my eldest was also keen.

So off I head, expectant. Another great worship session. You can tell wen people want to be at church as opposed to the ones who feel they 'have' to be at church. The air is already primed to usher Holy Spirit and people 'expect' God to show up

A great bunch of sessions and I know God has continued to work in me. I'm gleaning so much already in really basic things of how to help me, my kids and my husband and marriage.

Then we have a final worship session, acoustic and simple, followed by an anointing with oil. As John declares breakthrough over me and a calling out of the cave of hiding and darkness, anointing in oil, says "dry bones". He moves on and as I soak up more of God I weep (I'm not normally as demonstrative but I wasn't going to stop God releasing something new cos I sure need it!)

So great stuff happened in conference and I head home to a husband who seems to be so angry and everything I am and everything I say

There's a pretty big hurdle that happened to us since last year which caused him to leave church even more disillusioned than ever and bitter and angry. He'd emailed me why he felt this still so I talked to him (and he felt like I was just yelling at him).

I told him he needed to forgive those who offended him and how we've to keep doing it everytime we're offended. I left him to think on that and asked him to come to church tomorrow to hear John and Helen cos he likes them both too

He later said to me he didn't think he'd go cos the church was a bunch of hypocrites and he wouldn't feel comfortable there. That's when I out my foot in my mouth again and said that was his problem and he'd to forgive the church and get over himself and his pride.

Stupid me. Red rag to bull. Will I ever learn?! I don't know if he'll come now and when I swore he had something else to throw in my face as I lost patience with his stubborn attitude.

I make a better job of screwing this up than Satan's meddling ever could. :o(

I am a lousy example of a christian. My life doesn't line up with how a Godly wife should be to her husband and it's so easy to fall back into the natural way of things

But I know I love God. I know I love church. I know I love corporate worship (group worship). I know church politics suck. I know there are so many broken people in church. I know the machine that is church hurts people but I persevere because God won't fail where people will. I strive to have a heart like David. No matter how hard, fast or wrong I go God never changes. He's always half a step from me and I have learned to lean into that and grasp Him. It's hard work sometimes though to continue to decide to do it God's way.

Enough. Selah (pause and think calmly on this). God can work where I fail. I pray it's not too late

P

Sent from my iPhone

Low, oh so low

Low oh so low... Mentally, physically, spiritually. Why? Because nightshift starts tonight. Which means that evenings of relaxing on a couch are over for a week. It means that my days are upside down as I have dinner at my breakfast time (which doesn't work for me), sit down for the evening with the kids and hubby to watch, honestly, some of the better portion of the days offerings on tv (although what will happen with Masterchef Australia finishing who knows what garbage of reality style tv will fill the time-slot)

So before my evening is even over I'm tired. I woke around 0500hrs I think and couldn't get back to sleep. It seems to be my current lot in life and you know what it's making me feel old!

Right now I shouldn't be making any major decisions but chucking in shiftwork is a tempting decision to then opt for a less social (ha, who socialises with me midday mid-week anyway?!) dayshift but certainly more human by the clock

Blah

Meh

Sigh....

P

Sent from my iPhone

12 of 12 July 2011

Do you know now hard it is to pin down just one day in pictures when you work shift work?! I have struggled so much to capture a day that isn't boring, that isn't office bound and that isn't the same ol' same ol'. However, my day is my day and life is somewhat repetitive. So here goes a 12 of 12 as best as I could manage it today in a Tassie winter:

Before sun-up, snow had been down as low as 200m causing havoc with traffic over the weekend, today it was back to a more liveable level of around 400m. No matter, it's beautiful...

The sun lit up the top of the snow capped Mountain shortly after. Breathtaking

The view from my kitchen table from my seat, I love this view, I'd like to take out one of the large trees from the right to open up the Mountain a little.

The sibling kittens, Jaffle the calico cat and her big sister, Whisk. For some reason the cats (we have 5 currently) love to sleep on any item left on a table, notebook, jumper and particularly, bags. This location is also next to the woodfire flue and is very warm too.

As I set out to go for a walk on the Mountain, Mt Wellington that was in the first pic, this was the view of the almost level track across the face of the Mountain, Milles Track (trust me it got worse when I went vertical!) all in search of some serenity and a cache (or two as it turned out)

This was the first open view along the track, it looks to the south east across some landmarks called Opposum Bay, South Arm, Betsy Island, Sandford, and way to the back, the Arthur Penninsula

Close up of Opposum Bay at the end of the South Arm Penninsula and my home on the hill :o)

Close up of South Arm on the corner of the penninsula, Betsy Island and beyond to the Arthur Penninsula

Looking east across to Frederick Henry Bay, a beautiful bay at Lauderdale and anyone who flies into Hobart usually takes an approach over this inlet

The Ice House Track, an almost vertical track up the face of Mt Wellington (on the left side of it on the first shot). Trudging through the snow up this track which had only been walked by a couple of others since the snow fell over the last few days was fantastic! Finding two caches along the route was fascinating as I envisaged men in the 1800's and early 1900's filling the ice houses with snow which was then going to solidify as ice for use throughout the year. This ice was then hauled by men and horses down the hill - one heck of a trip with a heavy load!

My view from the carpark up to the peak of Mt Wellington. This was right on the snow line, around 450m above sea level - the snow here being sparse. The Hobart City Council close the Mountain in the snow and the road which winds to the top of the Mountain has different levels depending on the risk to drivers on a skinny roadway. So today it was closed at The Springs, about 4kms up the Mountain Pinnacle Road, leaving about 7kms to be walked if someone wanted to continue the full height of 1271m.

A panoramic stitch of the view from Milles Track. Takes in almost all of the stunning vista I got to enjoy

Thanks for sharing in my day!

Here's some links that may interest you:
This is inspired by Chad Darnell who I stumbled upon a while back: http://chaddarnell.typepad.com

Mount Wellington Park info (for those with a dream to travel) I presume the snow report link that I would have liked to have added will change as it's updated, so this will give extra info too: http://www.wellingtonpark.org.au/

One of the reasons for my vertical trek (rather than a horizontal walk across the Mountain face), a geocache: http://www.geocaching.com/seek/cache_details.aspx?guid=52567b78-fd5a-4ccf-a962-18d0dfe602a2

Irregular blogging

So I've been blogging for a while but completely inconsistent with entries and therefore hardly surprising to expect people to stay for a while and linger.

I remember when I had a journal in my teens I used to be fairly consistent in keeping it up - although I've also read through my diaries and it was gloomy and showed how much emotion and frustration I seemed to carry - wow, what a burden!

The one thing I find that is easy to update is facebook - even Twitter (which you'd expect to be easy to do consistently) is a struggle as there seems to be endless tweets to catch up on. How does anyone follow more than 100 regular twitters?!

Also the thing I'm most consistent with on facebook are my iphone photos - taken at every opportunity I have to snap something pretty that I see. I often feel like my friends must be so sick of my pics - especially the same shot of the same mountain from the same spot on the deck - even though in different light it can look so different.

I haven't figured out how to post to the blog from my phone quickly and easily and I'm hardly on my laptop anymore to do it the conventional way - need to do some homework methinks.

So I'll plod on and hopefully find my groove. If you do drop by let me know, as knowing I have interest will help me also keep in touch

Nighty night

P

Mixed feelings

Wow, my emotions are all over the place. Today I spent the day with my youngest and went out for lunch. We went and bought her some new clothes and it was s nice time.

I found us critiquing lunch and was disappointed with hers. I said to her we must be getting picky and maybe that's partly to blame by Masterchef and the fact that I can cook and cook well when I put my mind to it.

This evening I just sat down and couldn't get motivated again. Took my youngest boy to his sleepover and nearly burst into tears with this unsettled feeling listening to Aftermath (Hillsong United's latest album).

It all seems to stem from me not going to church regularly, not getting into it when I do go and a whole mess of other feelings due to friends being no longer able to be spoken to as we used to.

A year on and a loss of a friendship still aches so much.

Ah well. Onwards ever onwards

My devotion email received this evening said that an indecisive mind is as bad as being double minded. So I choose to acknowledge the crap and move forward past it

Selah

Run down but no rest for the wicked

I've had a bit of a shift shuffle and the changes to the hours seem to be playing havoc with my body clock and general wellbeing.

The change is only slight (an hour) but it's an hour later - so a midnight starting nightshift, working until midnight or 2am instead of 11pm or 1am.

My biggest problem is the other part of my life, outside of work. I need to run my kids to their school bus in the morning, so a 2am finish means at least 3am to bed (more like 3.30am following an unwind) and then I'm up at 8am to run them down the road. So squeezed in the middle I found 5 hours of poor sleep and I'm trying to cut coffee caffeine out of my diet.

This seems to all be making for a very tired me and when I updated my facebook saying I was entering a world of hurt my hubby was all concerned and supportive.

Then tonight I get a text saying the house is cold, the washing up not put in the dishwasher (which was clean) and I'd forgotten to take the recycling down to the bin. As well as having possum fur left on the carpet from a cat-caught fresh possum last night (discovered at 2am with a heartstopping yelp).

So I'm torn. I work full time on shift work and yet home is never happy. When I'm home I'm too tired to do much and I can't just potter those little incidentals that I might have when I was home full time or make three hour long meals (ok maybe 2) to be creative with the same ol' same ol'.

My youngest is turning 11 next month and I swear I don't know if she acts like a 6 year old or I expect too much from her but she's clingy, she misses me just being around (and human) and wants her mum for everything when Dad just seems to be grumpy (her opinion)

Because work makes me feel so tired I'm struggling in that I don't feel like doing what I would like to do, kayak, walk, read, cache. My head constantly seems to fight with my heart and there is little left it seems to enjoy in life (I miss out so much on church due to my shift work and then miss out on mixing with people to give me that boost of social interaction)

The problem is that while shift work kills, when I have had time off and a social life I was ok. Life was better, I could take off for coffee mid day, I could shop, I had time to myself without kids. I was flexible in appointments and had the advantage of being able to slot things around my shift.

However if I was to return to day shift I'd lose all of that freedom, and constrained in a different way. I'd have to leave my current position and would lose the monetary benefit of shift work allowance (a small price to pay for a life of sleep and alertness)

More importantly though I feel like I'm trying to do it all and failing at the most important things, my family, my home and my health. In my head I want to do more and fail, I'm told I'm doing great in work but criticised in home, I have so many plans but get nowhere and my dreams and visions blow away in the wind.

My colleagues (younger yes and no kids) all seem to be able to do so much more - do I expect too much of myself?

Just torn and more questions than answers... I wonder how others do it...